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Peradventure: My Self-Esteem

*click with a pout*….. Oops! I can’t post this picture on Instagram. I am having a bad hair day and on top of that, I have some really ugly zits popping out on my face. Oh dear! Maybe I should try some DIY facial with turmeric now. That way, I could look better before my 1 o’clock interview. I know you men can’t understand the catastrophe that I am going through at this time, but before I begin to rant into a meltdown, let me even begin by trying out the 13 different outfits I have picked for this ONE Interview.

After Just 3 dresses, I am now convinced that I am a fat cow….. My hips are lying and my arms are Huge! Let’s not even begin to talk about my belly. *Sigh* I swear I was a size 10 last night and now, I am 4 sizes up.

The doorbell rings, It’s Nike, my bestie. I yell as I go up the stairs, “NIKE, I AM FAT!!!!! How come you never tell me these things”? She is laughing her deep throaty laugh which is quite annoying at this time. Of course, she can’t relate because in my eyes, Nike is a goddess. She always has been, being a perfect size 10 with great legs for days and surrounded by amazing people. She says, “Kema, you are not fat joor! Please dress up abeg. We are running late”!

I am brushing my hair when I break a nail. “Ok, that’s it Nike! I think someone is after me this morning”. At this point, I am almost close to tears when Kemi comes around to console me. “It’s okay Kema. Just paint your nails the same colour and no one will notice. Let’s Go”!

I manage to get my hair in what resembles a bun. Finally found a black shift dress and my favourite shoes for extra gingah. At the door, I take a moment to ask Nike. “Do you think I’m perfect for this Job”? She chuckles, “Yes Nah! No be you apply”? “Yes I know I did Nike, but what do you think”, I retorted.

By this time, Nike is strapping on her seat belt as she says, “They called you, didn’t they? Just go and try. Maybe you will get it or maybe you won’t but that position is huge Kema! Are you sure you know what you are doing? You need a lot of experience to handle it o”.
Nike’s words sank deep into my mind that I suddenly felt some chills and went quiet. I remained that way throughout my stay at the company’s reception, waiting patiently for my turn to go into that board room.

There was a huge door in front of me which could have served as a mirror but not today. I can’t even dare to look at it. I feel so inadequate. Just before I begin to lament about my look again, a lady comes in and says, “They are ready for you Miss”. I walk behind her into the board room where a panel of 5 is already waiting for me. I begin to panic and got so conscious of myself thinking…. I hope I have smile on, I think I should be making eye contact. I ought to sit up straight, Is my resume up to date?

While having all these thoughts in my head, I think I heard one of them ask for my name. I look up to the ceiling and just as I began to say my name, I start to laugh hysterically. Oh my! I have forgotten my name and it all goes downhill from there.
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Back home, I am curled up in bed thinking about the disaster I just went through. I know deep inside that I deserved that position. I have been working towards this for 3 years now. I was busy seeking validation from my mirror and my friend to have courage for something I had already believed in. I don’t know if I would have to wait another 3 years for this opportunity to come again. I don’t even know if I have the heart for this? I will get another chance soon I hope … peradventure



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