If I got a 100 bucks everytime I was told a lie by a man, ‘I for don build house’. Each day, I pray to just chill and be away from the troubles but somehow, the universe never cooperates with me. This week, let me gist you about my recent trial and temptation.
Tracking back to the guys with the gift for telling stories, I wonder why anyone should see me minding my business ‘jeje’ and choose to bring me moonlight tales in broad day light. For now, I still find it amusing but I guess it won’t be long before I am charged with assaulting any man and I am most likely to do this with my ‘Chanel looking’ tote bag with already fading gold chains accessorizing it.
Don’t you even dare to judge me! This bag is EVERYTHING because just about everything that is anything seems to fit into it. It has been faithful, understanding and never complains, just like my dream man whom I haven’t met yet. Till then, I will have to hold on to Fifi as I call her.
Back to my experience with the lying tongues of men, it was Friday evening….. My sister and I decided to head out for dinner since we were in no mood to eat Eba or rice and even when I suggested noodles, she rejected the idea vehemently with a loud scream “No”. By dining out, we didn’t go to any of the fancy restaurants as most of you might be thinking now. Dinner for us tonight meant getting ‘Dundun’ from the woman by the junction with a large pan frying everything conceivable; yams, potatoes, plantains, fish, akara, shrimp, etcetera, etcetera.
We were still debating on what exactly we were going home with when my sister called my attention to two guys that have been trailing us. I didn’t even notice because I was too hungry to care. Even after she mentioned it, I still wasn’t interested and proceeded to place our “takeaway” from Mama Akara. It was at this point that two young men came walking towards us.
The first was very light skinned, slim with curly hair and had a lot of blings on him with three phones and an easy smile which was about the only attractive thing I noticed. The second was the coke version of the first as he was dark skinned, very dark skinned. He had yellow teeth, was short and completely stout. He must have been the one who got my sister laughing as she looked down at her feet, trying not to be rude.
I am still standing in front of Mama Akara with all the smoke coming at me like I have done something wrong. My eyes were still on Mama akara when the bling guy stretched his hands towards me and says, “Hello Girl” I am E Double Man”. At this point, I am now compelled to look at them. I smile and politely responded with Hello. By this time, my order was ready and I had to go.
As I turned to leave, E Double Man asked if I was done with my purchase but rather than respond to his question, I asked why he wasn’t buying some himself. He shook his head and said, “No. I doesn’t eat such”!….. Hmmm, that for me is Minus 10. He decided to walk with me with his rather weird friend walking behind us.
We got to the gate of my street and I decided to find out what he wanted from me when the forming began to pour out, “I want to know you better. As I said, my name is E Double Man. Well, my names are John Paul Elochukwu Ekwerendu but my friends call me E Double Man, u know like the Dobberman! Honestly at this point I was completely lost. By this time, my sister had run out of patience, leaves me alone with these freaks and headed home. I was left all by myself to deal with this lying tongue as his next words proved….
He continued with his pickup lines….. “Please don’t go. Can I get your contact? I don’t wanna miss you. You see, I lives in Asia but I’m doing business in Owerri”. I say, “ehmn Ok! But I cannot give you my number, Goodnight”. He steps forward pleading. “Please, I goes back to Bangkok on Friday. From there, I will ‘travuulz’ to Vietnam and South America. Do you wanna to come with me? We can get to know each other better there. It will be just for 2 weeks”.
Oh boy! I garra run for my life o! Father Lord, save me from the snares of the enemy abi na the den of the lions. As soon as I said that prayer, the oldest lamest trick which became the smartest trick at that time, came to my head. I say to him, “My number is 07077421899. My battery is flat but if you call me in about an hour, it will go through. Good Bye!” You should see the smile on his face as he punched in the number into his phone.
I walked so fast and walked past my house a bit waiting for him to leave the gate of my street. Remember I said that I did the lamest oldest trick ever? Yes! I gave him the number of Abu, our security guard. Hopefully, I don’t get to see him anytime soon and he can have fun with Abu whenever he decides to call. Thanks to this man with many names, I won’t be going to Mama Akara anytime soon…..Peradventure!